Which Zombies?

The inherent problem with trying to plan for a zombie apocalypse is which zombie apocalypse to plan for? Zombies in popular media have variability to rival Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition character moral alignment. Zombies can be fast or slow, living or dead, and then viral, radiation, or Voodoo. Now for simplicity sake, let's eliminate Voodoo as an end of the world scenario, baring Bill Gates programing the Xbox consoles to cast dark voodoo magic on everyone who plays them, no Voodoo priest can cast or control enough zombies at one time to pose a serious threat to the planet. Thank you George Romaro for making us all crap our pants at the thought of Voodoo zombies, but they’re not a global threat, but then, god help you if you’re in town when someone tries to prove me wrong, you'll need it.

The next source of Zombies is Radiation Zombies. Once again thank you George for the original Dawn of the Dead, as it is a perfect example of Radiation zombies. Radiation zombies are created when a dead body is irradiated (or an irradiated body is dead), usually with a specific kind of radiation. That exposure causes it to get up and walk around trying to eat everyone it can find. Baring George Romaro's situation of a meteorite having irradiated the entire planet, Radiation Zombies would not be a planet killer either, just a major pain in the ass.

Which finally brings us to my favourite, and since they are the most common Zombie in popular media, most other people's favourite as well; Viral Zombies. Viral zombies are your standard today, the result of some virus, bacteria or other transmittable, infectious means. If you’re infected, you turn. Infection vectors vary, from direct saliva to blood contact, blood to blood contact, any fluid to fluid contact, to “we’re all infected.” The most common, is fluid to fluid contact.

Of all above re-animation means, only Viral has the capacity to cause a Zombie Apocalypse we could do something about; we might be able to limit the spread of the virus and, eventually, eradicate it, we’ve done it with smallpox, if only we could do it with the cold virus. Radiation is either going to be small scale, in a specific location, or it’s going to be global. If it’s global then there is not a damn thing we can do except hold out, knowing that no matter how, or when we die, we will re-animate. Voodoo only has the capacity for small scale, if I’m proved wrong, well we’re fucked, not much we could do, less point talking about it further.

That’s not all though, not by a long shot. The next question is fast or slow? Slow Zombies are classic, they move with a shuffling gate, not much of a threat, in small numbers. If we get hit by slow zombies, it won’t be a zombie apocalypse; it will be a zombie turkey shoot. Give me, my brother, and a couple buddies of mine a couple thousand rounds of ammo and a six-pack each and we’ll solve your zombie problem. That won’t work so well if we don’t get slow zombies though…

The alternative is fast zombies. Fast zombies are gaining popularity in recent times, Zack Snyder's remake of “Dawn of the Dead” For instance, depicts fast zombies instead of George Romero's slow zombies from the original “Dawn of the Dead,” fast zombies are a significantly larger threat; dramatically more motor control then there are slow counterparts, fast zombies would take a concerted effort to halt, thereby making them an excellent selection for an end of the world scenario.

The still one more question to resolve though, living or dead? Until recently zombies have been universally of the dead variety. However new media such as video games like Left 4 Dead depict living zombies. Living zombies are universally fast can climb and otherwise make a right royal mess. Not to mention eliminating the whole need for them to die before turning. Now fast zombies will by necessity the same or similar kill zone as humans as opposed to the traditional dead zombies who can only be killed by destroying the brain or brain stem.

Despite the larger kill zone fast zombies do have a few advantages over their dead counterparts which most forms of media overlooks; sub-zero temperature will kill a dead zombie. If the dead zombie is merely running off the energy left after death, it most certainly will not have enough to maintain its body heat, and as a result will freeze in sub-zero temperature. When it freezes available water, including the water in the brain, will crystallize and turn to ice breaking the cell membrane, and thus, when the zombie thaws out in the spring it will turn into a big pile of strawberry jelly, that doesn't taste like strawberries. Living zombies on the other hand, will maintain their body heat by necessity, or rather as any by-product, of maintaining other systems. Their body heat would, given any protection from the elements, allow them to survive sub-zero temperature, as well as giving him more longevity; dead zombie will continue so long as that energy remains, once it is all consumed zombie will shut down permanently like the Energizer Bunny when his batteries finally do run out. Living zombies, By comparison, will continue so long as they can be fed.

So the worst-case scenario that we could actually do something about would be a zombie apocalypse of fast living viral zombies. With that understanding in hand, let's plan for the zombie apocalypse from hell. Grab your guns boys, let's go hunting.