The inherent
problem with trying to plan for a zombie apocalypse is which zombie
apocalypse to plan for? Zombies in popular media have variability to
rival Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition character moral alignment.
Zombies can be fast or slow, living or dead, and then viral,
radiation, or Voodoo. Now for simplicity sake, let's eliminate Voodoo
as an end of the world scenario, baring Bill Gates programing the
Xbox consoles to cast dark voodoo magic on everyone who plays them,
no Voodoo priest can cast or control enough zombies at one time to
pose a serious threat to the planet. Thank you George Romaro for
making us all crap our pants at the thought of Voodoo zombies, but
they’re not a global threat, but then, god help you if you’re in
town when someone tries to prove me wrong, you'll need it.
The next source of Zombies is
Radiation Zombies. Once again thank you George for the original Dawn
of the Dead, as it is a perfect example of Radiation zombies.
Radiation zombies are created when a dead body is irradiated (or an
irradiated body is dead), usually with a specific kind of radiation.
That exposure causes it to get up and walk around trying to
eat everyone it can find. Baring George Romaro's situation of a
meteorite having irradiated the entire planet, Radiation Zombies
would not be a planet killer either, just a major pain in the ass.
Which finally brings us to my
favourite, and since they are the most common Zombie in popular
media, most other people's favourite as well; Viral Zombies. Viral
zombies are your standard today, the result of some virus, bacteria
or other transmittable, infectious means. If you’re infected, you
turn. Infection vectors vary, from direct saliva to blood contact,
blood to blood contact, any fluid to fluid contact, to “we’re all
infected.” The most common, is fluid to fluid contact.
Of all above re-animation means, only
Viral has the capacity to cause a Zombie Apocalypse we could do
something about; we might be able to limit the spread of the virus
and, eventually, eradicate it, we’ve done it with smallpox, if only
we could do it with the cold virus. Radiation is either going to be
small scale, in a specific location, or it’s going to be global. If
it’s global then there is not a damn thing we can do except hold
out, knowing that no matter how, or when we die, we will re-animate.
Voodoo only has the capacity for small scale, if I’m proved wrong,
well we’re fucked, not much we could do, less point talking about
it further.
That’s not all though, not by a long
shot. The next question is fast or slow? Slow Zombies are classic,
they move with a shuffling gate, not much of a threat, in small
numbers. If we get hit by slow zombies, it won’t be a zombie
apocalypse; it will be a zombie turkey shoot. Give me, my brother,
and a couple buddies of mine a couple thousand rounds of ammo and a
six-pack each and we’ll solve your zombie problem. That won’t
work so well if we don’t get slow zombies though…
The alternative is fast zombies. Fast
zombies are gaining popularity in recent times, Zack Snyder's remake
of “Dawn of the Dead” For instance, depicts fast zombies instead
of George Romero's slow zombies from the original “Dawn of the
Dead,” fast zombies are a significantly larger threat; dramatically
more motor control then there are slow counterparts, fast zombies
would take a concerted effort to halt, thereby making them an
excellent selection for an end of the world scenario.
The still one more question to resolve
though, living or dead? Until recently zombies have been universally
of the dead variety. However new media such as video games like Left
4 Dead depict living zombies. Living zombies are universally fast can
climb and otherwise make a right royal mess. Not to mention
eliminating the whole need for them to die before turning. Now fast
zombies will by necessity the same or similar kill zone as humans as
opposed to the traditional dead zombies who can only be killed by
destroying the brain or brain stem.
Despite the larger
kill zone fast zombies do have a few advantages over their dead
counterparts which most forms of media overlooks; sub-zero
temperature will kill a dead zombie. If the dead zombie is merely
running off the energy left after death, it most certainly will not
have enough to maintain its body heat, and as a result will freeze in
sub-zero temperature. When it freezes available water, including the
water in the brain, will crystallize and turn to ice breaking the
cell membrane, and thus, when the zombie thaws out in the spring it
will turn into a big pile of strawberry jelly, that doesn't taste
like strawberries. Living zombies on the other hand, will maintain
their body heat by necessity, or rather as any by-product, of
maintaining other systems. Their body heat would, given any
protection from the elements, allow them to survive sub-zero
temperature, as well as giving him more longevity; dead zombie will
continue so long as that energy remains, once it is all consumed
zombie will shut down permanently like the Energizer Bunny when his
batteries finally do run out. Living zombies, By comparison, will
continue so long as they can be fed.
So the worst-case
scenario that we could actually do something about would be a zombie
apocalypse of fast living viral zombies. With that understanding in
hand, let's plan for the zombie apocalypse from hell. Grab your guns
boys, let's go hunting.
